Mindful Mama Mentor
~ HUNTER CLARKE-FIELDS ~

Authentic Mothering – Soleil Moon-Frye [363]
August 23, 2022

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Hunter meets her childhood hero, actress, director, and documentarian, Soleil Moon Frye…aka. Punky Brewster! Like any parent, Soleil wants to help protect and prepare her teen daughter as she gets ready for life beyond high school. They talk about teen mental health and the importance of being open and honest with your teens.

Takeaways

  1. Transparency is important
  2. Being present can be challenging for teens today with social media
  3. Create permission for your kids to be who they want to be

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About Our Guest

Soleil Moon Frye is an actress, director, producer, screenwriter and documentarian best known for her roles as Punky Brewster’s titular character and The Proud Family’s Zoey Howzer, currently streaming on Disney+. On the heels of her recent Kid90 documentary and reconnection to her teen-self, Soleil is also raising her own teens, including her oldest daughter who just turned 16.

Like any parent, Soleil wants to help protect and prepare her daughter as she gets ready for life beyond high school. That’s why Soleil wants to empower parents to ask their children’s pediatricians about the meningitis B vaccination.

Off-screen, the mother of four and advocate is working to raise awareness through CORE (Community Organized Relief Effort) and Baby2Baby in addition to her work with Ask2BSure.

About Hunter Clarke-Fields

Hunter is the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, host of the Mindful Mama podcast and author of the bestselling book Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids. She helps parents bring more calm and peace into their daily lives. Hunter has over twenty years of experience in meditation practices and has taught mindfulness to thousands worldwide. She is the mother of two active daughters, who challenge her everyday to hone her craft!

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Transcript of this episode:

*This is an auto-generated transcript*

[00:00:00] Hunter: All right. So this is so weird for me because you, you have no idea like what you did for me as a young child. So I was, I don’t know how old, when punky Brewster came on, I think we’re, you must be a couple years older than me. And for me, I had the whole, like the socks that were like reversed, like the two layers of socks, the whole thing.

I had a hat with pins all over. I was like this funky kid. Who like when I was in second grade, people would be like, oh, hunter you’re so weird. And then punky, Brewster came on. It was like, wow. I had like permission to be this like funky, interesting little girl. And so I just wanna tell you like that it’s so crazy for me.

Talk to you considering that, that whole piece it’s interesting to imagine this impact that you had as like a tiny child. It’s

[00:01:00] Soleil Moon-Frye: crazy. Aw, thank you so much. I hold punky so close to my heart, and I think that she has this power within me. That just makes me feel so connected to her punky power.

And I fully believe in it. I believe in the punky power. I believe in the cherry power. I believe that we all have this superhero inside of us. That’s just bursting to get out and fly. And very grateful to hear that. And I really hold her so close to my heart, cuz she is just such an amazing character and just has so much strength.

And I, I don’t know where like punky ended and I began, because I just felt so much like her and I’m really grateful to hear that.

[00:01:44] Hunter: Yeah. It was super empowering. I think I remember I got out into the rest of the world and thought and saw like the sexism and the patriarch and all the different things.

And it was a little surprised. I was like, oh, I thought we had moved beyond that. As a young kid, I like. I thought things were better but yeah, no, I was totally surprised. It’s so fascinating. And so then I was like, okay I’m talking to sole for the podcast. I’m gonna, I’m gonna watch, I had started watching kid 90.

I’m gonna watch the rest of it. And then I watched kid 90 and I was like, oh my God this is crazy. This was like my. Teen years, like with much, more attractive guys, but it was like all these, I ended, like partying with these kids and like doing these, and there were people in my.

Like I had an ex-boyfriend who died of an overdose and all these people in my life and all these things. And I thought, my God, if this was my life and this was her life that she documented in Hollywood, like how many other people it’s so fascinating to even. Think about how similar that was for me, it was like such an incredible reflection.

It was so crazy to see that. And

[00:03:07] Soleil Moon-Frye: anyway, thank you so much. That was my dream of all dreams. Was that. People would watch it through their own lens. When I started the journey, I, I it was opening Pandora’s box. I kept all these videos and tapes and all these audio recordings and.

Every voicemail and diary and had locked them up in these bins, and they were just in these Tupperware bins, locked away, and discovering them, rediscovering them and opening them was really life changing. It changed my entire life. It changed my perspective on the world. When I set out on the journey, I tried to make it about everyone, but myself and about everyone else, It started as a totally different journey.

And there’s a saying in documentaries that I love that is that if you set out to make the documentary, you thought you were making you weren’t really listening, and I like that. So as I peeled back the onion layer after layer, it just it was so deeply personal. And at the same time, my dream was that people would watch it through their own lens.

And it’s been so inspiring to see people. Watching it through their own perspective and their own histories and their own lens and something that was really so beautiful. When I was cutting cut after cut, I showed someone incredibly important in my life and. He’s a much younger man hopper.

And he said, I’ve been that 17 year old girl in the pool and I loved it. And I held that so close to my heart throughout every cut. I was like, I always want that young man to see himself in the story or that. Woman from, from this, state or this country or this man over here that like people were watching it and they were watching their own life experiences.

And that was so inspiring because I, I had someone whom I love deeply tell me at one point as I was, I was going through cut after cut and struggling so much. And I had people going well, what’s the story? What’s the story. And he said to me, I don’t think there’s any more universal story than the coming of age story.

And I, I think that’s really what it was. It was like the teen self coming of age at the same time as the adult self coming of age, and I’m just so grateful to hear you say that. And for the outpouring of incredible people through. Social media that have shared their stories and that have shared such personal stories with me.

It’s just been awe inspiring and makes me wanna make more and more documentaries.

[00:05:59] Hunter: Yeah, it was so like I think it was really well done. In fact, I told you I started it and then I finished the rest, like on the plane because I had started it and it was like too close to home for.

At first, I was like, this is I didn’t wanna revisit like this time that was so intense. And, and there were parts are dangerous, right? Like the drugs and the different stuff that at least like I could see was happening there and was happening my own life. And, the people who got hurt and did it make you feel like, I guess for me, I was like I.

Looking back at some journals and them being like, you know what? I am just, I, for my own personal journey, I like. Dumped them. I was like, I don’t even wanna read them. Like I put them in the garbage and I was like, I’m a different person now. And right. So I think in a lot of ways, it’s like really brave to look at that, to see, to see oh who was I then?

Because it’s scary to look. Back at those things. And then to say how did I survive this thing? Whereas the people around me were, we were all in this sort of dangerous pool and some people didn’t,

[00:07:12] Soleil Moon-Frye: Yeah. And I think you’re so right about that. I think there was times in my life that I would revisit for a moment and look at a diary or, try to watch a video.

And I don’t think I was ready. I don’t think that I was at that place. And then an interesting thing happened. I turned 40 and I had this interesting weekend where, I had this, this question that, that happened where literally I was like, okay I have these beautiful children.

I was in a beautiful marriage. And yet at the same time, I was like, okay, wait, who am I separate from my children, my husband at the time, who am I? Because I feel like I remember that there’s like this artist inside and all of these things and. And I think that I just had that, like that question of I also, of what it, what is inside of me that spark that I associated with youth, if that makes sense to you.

, I always thought oh, this fire inside is that’s what it is to be young. Do you know what I mean? And now I was like, oh, but what happened? And I also felt like we were so full of joy and happiness and. Light and love. And some of my best friends didn’t make it out of that time.

And I remember those people, so many of those people that are in the documentary, like we were so joyful and so happy, like what happened? Why aren’t they here now? So I had all these questions and so I went to look back and. There was such a rediscover in those tapes and in those diaries, and yes, there was so much joy and so much happiness.

And also there was a lot of pain and and so to really like reexamine all of that and this fascinating thing happened, whereas the deeper and deeper I went. The more painful it was. And also the more healing I was doing and the more this like fire that I thought had to do with being, a teenager or, in my early twenties, it was like, it all started coming back like that fire inside.

And I was like, oh my. God like this is part of my sole purpose. Like I love journalism. I was always that kid that carried the camera everywhere. I went, I documented everything. And it was like, that was my life. And then at some point it’s I just wanted to live in, in this other world, which was also beautiful having a family and all of those things.

And it was so pretty and beautiful and joyful in so many ways. But I had just locked. It all away. So I locked the tapes, I stopped carrying a camera with me everywhere. I went, I stopped writing in the diaries and I just was living in that experience, which was also incredible. But in this re-discovery, it was like that fire came back, and that spark of oh, this is what it feels like to be like back in, in the art of it. You.

[00:10:20] Hunter: Yeah. In that sort of creative aspect. I guess that makes sense, like after a certain time, like in motherhood, you’re, you’re create, it’s creative, right? You’re creating humans.

You’re, you’re creating a family, you’re creating rhythms, you’re creating all these things. You’re creating traditions, you’re doing all this stuff. And then after a while, like as a cert, your kids get to a certain age, things are rolling. Things are cool, and then where is that?

That creative energy is going

[00:10:51] Soleil Moon-Frye: Yeah. And I, it’s interesting cuz I am so I’m so in love with my kids and this was such a they even sacrificed so much by going through this process because I was like going through my own, teen years while they’re going through their teen years, which was incredible that they have been so supportive and also it, I believe that.

The whole experience like led to such a transformation in our lives, from my marriage to like our lives. Just transformed completely.

[00:11:25] Hunter: So what did it make you worry about your kids? It’s interesting because I think about that sometimes I think about, like I said, I had a similar, very similar childhood Tina to yours and sometimes I think about, oh my gosh, The things I did at the ages, I did them is like hard to conceive now.

Like my children are, it’s such a different world for them. Like they’re yeah. Like I went on my first date when I was like with an 11 year old. And did you know when I had, I got. The most drunk, maybe I’ve ever been in my life the summer before ninth grade year, like young thing. Like I did all these things like really young.

And I think of my children now, and that’s like inconceivable for them. Like I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old and they’re just. There it’s a such a different world. It’s they’re, in some ways it’s so much safer for kids. There’s like less teen pregnancy and all these just different things, but kids aren’t going out as much, it’s like such a different world.

So I don’t know. I just was wondering like, yeah. Did it make you worry about your teens? Did it, how did it make you think about them differently?

[00:12:37] Soleil Moon-Frye: It made it certainly it certainly made me relate to them more for sure. And, I look at that. My, my kids are so incredible and I love them so much.

And I look at what they’re going through and I just, oh my. God, like growing up at this time with social media people’s fingertips and, the sexualization that goes on today, I know what I was going through, as. A teen and now seeing it through social media and like the outlet that is there and that, just the world that I just, you know, you wanna shelter them so much.

And yet I’m just like, oh my God, this is so crazy. Cuz it’s magnifying times gazillion. And I think, when we look at mental health, I don’t even think we’ve begun to scratch the surface of, what is happening to the. Around mental health today. So I think, everything was magnified so much in examining my experiences and then seeing what my kids were going through.

And at the same time, I feel like it, it connected us so much and made us relate to each other so much more because. I would continue to say, oh, I know, I understand. I’ve been there, I’ve experienced it. I know what you’re going through. And it’s yeah. And then in the process of them, watching the doc and seeing these cuts, they really got to see oh, she actually has been through it.

Do you know what I mean? She actually has been through these similar experiences. And although, although they’re different and they’re so their own people. I think it made us relate and connect to each other, even deeper.

[00:14:33] Hunter: That’s that’s the only outcome you’d want, right? Is to help it bring you together.

[00:14:41] Soleil Moon-Frye: Totally at the same time, I think there’s times when I’m like, okay. I’m I know that I’m mother first and foremost, there are other times that I think because of. This experience of living this doc in a way that I feel so young in so many ways, cuz it’s like I’ve been living with my teen self for the last however many years.

So sometimes I slip into that role of but they feel like such good friends and it’s I know I need to be mom, but I also like I wanna have honesty with them and be able to talk to them and have these conversations. And I think sometimes I’m so honest or so open with them that That I sometimes find myself like, God, I just wanna hang out with them cuz they’re so fun.

And I just I love talking to them. I love, I love sharing with them and then I’m like, oh my God, have I said too much? You know what I mean? I like, I sometimes question that, but then it’s I know other people or friends that like don’t really know what’s going on in their kids’ lives and don’t know what’s going on in their teenager’s lives and have not shared the messier parts of their lives.

So then their kids don’t share with them. And then they’re not really aware of what’s really go going on. And sometimes it’s it can be. I think really dark because, there’s so much that’s hidden, and I would way rather my kids feel that they could be open with me and have an open line of communication than keeping secrets.

[00:16:13] Hunter: Yeah. I agree. I think that transparency is always better, to be honest, to be real and transparent. Yeah. Even in, in all those things. Yeah, we don’t necessarily, I certainly haven’t told my kids everything about my childhood, but do you find that are there things that you Now with your kids so you have a really open, transparent relationship.

Are there things that you did I think about like when my kids were little, I listened to. Four year old, my daughter who’s 15. Now when she was four, talk endlessly about like my little ponies and shut her, fly, doing whatever, and, Twilight sparkle. And I feel like that piece of like listening was a piece that really.

allowed them to say, oh, okay. Like this is the habit. Like we’re I listen to you. I see you. I respect you. Do you feel like, are there things that, are there seeds that you planted? Now look at, if you have a, you have an older do teenage daughter, are there seeds that you planted when they were young that allowed them to be so open with you?

[00:17:20] Soleil Moon-Frye: I think that’s a great question. Yes. We read a lot of the giving tree, so a lot of our a lot of our foundations were from like early childhood books. But really I think, I always really spoke to them about About knowing what was going on and the just being honest about things.

And and yeah, I think there was a lot of those earlier dialogues around coming to me. And by the way, it doesn’t mean that they always did because they certainly have done things without me knowing and things behind my back. But in the most loving way, but just, because they are Teens exploring their world.

But at the same time, I think that, I think they’re a lot more honest with me than. A lot of people are with their kids. And so that’s been or a lot of people are with their parents. So that’s been really amazing. And I do think it comes from having those early conversations.

[00:18:21] Hunter: You’re working for helping kids to parents to get to know and learn about the meningitis B vaccine, which I’m super excited to talk about.

But I wanna, I’m thinking like, That about our kids and the differences they’re having today and the challenges they’re having today and the mental health challenges that teens are having today. What are you seeing as far as like the, you saw, you documented a lot of the challenges that were happening or a lot of the things that were happening in your own life back when you were routine, what are you seeing now?

That’s happening maybe through your own kids or through teens in

[00:18:57] Soleil Moon-Frye: general. I’ve asked my kids a lot about what they think is affecting mental health. Amongst their peers most today. And we’ve spoken about, whether or not it’s social media and, the effect of what they’re in taking, all around.

And certainly I think that is, a part of it. And you look at the statistics of depression amongst teens right now, and it’s just. It’s crazy. It’s it’s mind blowing and it certainly makes me incredibly emotional thinking about it and something that they said that I thought was an incredible observation is that it’s not just about.

The likes and the things that you know, we see, of course we all know, what’s being fed to us of, what the idea of beauty looks like to different people. All of those things that we know about something that was really interesting though, is that they brought up how through social media.

You’re able to see everyone’s lives and you’re able to see all of your peers lives. So there’s so much of this fear of missing out. And when your friends are hanging out, you see them hanging out with each other, you see them posting together. You see this person with that person at school and this friend group with this friend group and.

We didn’t have that when we were kids growing up. If you called your friend and they weren’t there, then maybe, they were out with another friend, but then you went and did something else or you were at home and you, there was a chance to process. And you weren’t getting that from 50 different people you knew through school, or your middle school, your high school, your elementary school. You’re not seeing everybody at the same time doing it. And I think. Is a really compelling observation because you now have this magnification of seeing everybody, you knows lives in all of these different circles going on. and what happens to any kid, whether you’re someone that’s more introverted or whether you’re somebody that’s extroverted when you don’t feel seen or heard, or like you’ve found your community or your person or your best friend I think it’s gotta be an incredibly lonely, painful place.

And then. At your fingertips, there’s a whole world to turn to . And certainly, I think it’s very easy to then, go into trying to be stimulated elsewhere and get attention in other ways. And I’m not a psychologist, although I am fascinated by psychology and I certainly wanted to study it in college and started to, and and yet I’m an incredibly passionate person around studying human behavior.

And to me, I think that is something that I’m. Seeing that is is something that I just think we’re just not talking about enough. And I think mental health is in, in my opinion is something that is, is so important to talk about and communicate about. And I hope that in some way, Documenting or being a journalist will hopefully dive into aspects of mental health that I think are really important to examine and ultimately without judgment, to try to not have judgment around people I tend to really fall in love with the people that I make documentaries about, or that are part of them.

And I feel like My dream is to continue to tell stories that are really moving and important that are really personal without being exploitive and and to try to continue to raise the best children I can that are socially aware. But so anyway, it’s a long way of saying that I think there’s a lot to examine, but I think that is a really incredible observation that they had that I think is very

Yeah.

[00:23:26] Hunter: It’s like a crazy, like mental divide, right? Like when, if you were, when you were young and you were, your friends were out, you weren’t seeing that, you mentioned like this magnification, but this idea that like also your mind can be with your friends, your, your mind can be, it’s there’s a divide between being present to your own life.

Like the, this it’s, we’re creating this. Situation where we’re less and less able to be present to what is, because we know all the things that are happening on the other side. We can’t just say, let it go because we can look at it. We can see it. And that’s, that’s so sticky and a learning to look at, and it’s like this inability to, to.

To really embrace wherever you are,

[00:24:20] Soleil Moon-Frye: even. Yeah. I’m so grateful that my kids really they’ll even take it upon themselves to take, hiatuses from social media, from their phones and they love to watch John Hughes and movies and listen to music. And so I’m so grateful that they have interests, that are outside of.

Outside of like social media and things like that. I do think though that they are, and they’re passionate about being of service to others and and they also are really incredible at observing the world around them. And so I just think it’s so fascinating. It’s so fascinat.

Yeah, I

[00:25:05] Hunter: think that’s really key is to like, just keep that dialogue open about what is this doing to us? How is this making us feel? And what else are you doing too? What else can we do? How can we combat this? Because we are in like a crazy experiment, with our kids.

Absolutely. All right. So I just wanna, so you are working on promoting this meningitis B vaccine. I’m just curious, cuz I think it’s such a, this issue has become like. Crazy with the whole pandemic and everything. And I know a lot of listeners, there are listeners who, feel all different ways about vaccines.

And I’m just wondering if you, did you ever have any hesitancy about any vaccines you give your

[00:25:54] Soleil Moon-Frye: kids reading? Yeah. I had a lot. I had a lot of questions. Around vaccinations. And I love that we’ve been able to have this open dialogue around, I had questions around spacing out vaccinations and lots of questions.

So I can totally understand that there’s so many different people with so many different, belief systems. I think something that was a real awakening for me is I have this incredible. Honor to work with core, which is core response is a nonprofit that was co-founded by Sean Penn and Ann Lee.

And we started work after the earthquake in Haiti together. I started working with them and now it’s been many years and we do disaster relief across the globe. And it’s been truly next to my children. Something that I’m really most proud of. And during the pandemic. We started doing test sites and vaccinations across the globe.

And so we have gone, we’ve had test sites all across the country. We have had, we had the Dodger stadium site in which we had hundreds upon hundreds of volunteers every day. We worked together with the Los Angeles fire department. The mayor here, we are doing work in, Brazil.

We’ve been doing work in India across the globe and have literally administered millions of tests and millions of vaccinations and awesome, being a part of that and seeing our team members on the front lines, it just Really, I felt so much more educated and so much more aware.

And it really it really informed a lot of my personal, my personal beliefs. It’s a long way of saying that I literally have learned so much in the last two years. I think it’s been a journey for so many of us and and really, for me, the most important thing is that we get to have conversations and that we live in a country in which we can have open dialogues and conversations.

And and so when a dear friend and I were talking, we were talking and she brought up meningitis B, which I assumed that when kids are younger, they get the meningitis vaccination. And that’s that. And

[00:28:31] Hunter: like meningitis is the, what we remember in college as the kissing disease. Phil

or not.

[00:28:39] Soleil Moon-Frye: So it’s interesting. So meningitis, so normally when kids are younger, you have the meningitis vaccination, meningitis B does hit. Very much. Ages 16 to 23. And when kids are college age and going off to college and sharing utensils or whatever you said, and, they’re in close quarters and all of that it’s it can be spread and ultimately is a.

Deadly disease that can ultimately take someone’s life within 24 hours. Wow. And and I had no idea. I really didn’t know. And I was like if I didn’t know about this, then I assume there’s a lot of other people that don’t know about this. And so it’s been really interesting learning

[00:29:36] Hunter: experience.

And it’s a vaccine that like is recently developed. So my 15 year. May not have had that now when she was young, I gotta check

[00:29:46] Soleil Moon-Frye: basically. So the numbers, so as an example, in, in 2020, they did a study. And literally the numbers of people that had actually had the vaccination. It’s literally crazy, like seven out of 10 had not had the vaccination.

Oh, wow. In 2020. Okay. Yeah. So the it’s really staggering and friends of mine, immediately thought, oh meningitis, like my kids had it when they were, younger. And so there’s this assumption that it’s the same vaccination, which it’s not. Okay.

[00:30:25] Hunter: All right. So we gotta check on.

They’re listener. We got a check on our meningitis V vaccine and and get it. I don’t, yeah.

[00:30:35] Soleil Moon-Frye: So my daughter just got her first. My daughter had her has just gotten her first vaccination. Against manager, ISB, she’s 16. She’s getting ready to go off to, she’s looking at colleges and traveling and all of that. And so I was like, okay, we had this conversation again. We had a conversation and that’s really, to me what this is a about, people can go to ask to be sure.com to learn more and really about having a dialogue about being able to ask your doctor, that we get to be advocates for our families and have the conversation together.

And. I think it’s just about educating ourselves to be able to have that conversation. Okay, cool. And decide what’s right for our family.

[00:31:17] Hunter: All right. Have those conversations to your listener. So I wanna rewind just a little bit because because you are obviously very open with your kids, you’re having a lot of open dialogue.

Is this something that was the way. From the way you were raised was that a good seed that was planted from your own parents? Totally.

[00:31:37] Soleil Moon-Frye: Yeah, my mom was always like, if you’re gonna do something, do it in the safety of your home. If you’re gonna experiment, then please do it here.

Not to say that I always did, but definitely it was encouraged that we be honest and have an open line of communication for sure.

[00:31:57] Hunter: That’s cool. That’s cool. So they were, sounds like they were, or your mom, you were you raised by your mom? Mostly. I’m trying to remember. I watched you documentary.

Yeah, my mom

[00:32:07] Soleil Moon-Frye: remember.

[00:32:12] Hunter: Awesome. So you wanted to pass. Down. You wanted to pass down that you wanted to pass down that open dialogue. Are, is there anything like, a lot of what we talk about here on the Mindful Mama podcast, we talk about wanting to change generational patterns, right? Because we were passed down some really good things and maybe some things that weren’t so good.

So were there, was there anything you were like, I gotta change this .

[00:32:38] Soleil Moon-Frye: A thousand percent. There’s so many things that I’ve learned, it’s been such a. It’s been such a wild journey. From the fact that, going for, through this transformation, after being with someone whom I love deeply for, I still love deeply, but being married to someone for over 20 years and then.

And then as life, you go through these transformations and you grow and sometimes you go together and sometimes you go differently, and and so there’s been so many patterns of looking at it and then I think it’s super fascinating because. We went through the transformation and like the first person that I dated, like the very first person I dated literally was there’s so many similarities between he and the person that I dated, like at 17 years old and kid 90.

So it was like, I opened up this, like this, like literally time capsule. And I stepped right back to my like 17 year old self. And I’m like, oh that’s interesting, isn’t it? Down to literally down to the tattoos music interest. I was like, let me open up the time machine and and oh, this looks fun, and and with that said, it’s so fascinating because. In a way. So many of the things and, this is like a whole discussion we have to dive into when I come to talk about like my next documentary, but something that was so interesting is there was a big part of me that, had all these crazy wild experiences.

And then it was like, I settled down, not. Not that I just settled down. It was like, I found somebody who was very traditional and the total opposite of the different people I had dated and, tradition and marriage and kids. And it was like, I had such an unorthodox childhood in so many ways that there was this beauty and the stability of it.

And so I found it really interesting that when I picked up where I left off in a way there was still. All of these things that I hadn’t yet experienced. And so it’s this really interesting thing where it’s been like revisiting my teen self in many ways and like this opportunity to hug her and hold onto her and nurture her and also to do it with a new.

Perspective, because I didn’t understand self love the way that I do now. . And so it’s like being able to revisit that, that teenage me that maybe didn’t feel good enough or didn’t feel worthy enough or all of those things that, I explore in the documentary with this perspective.

Of a deeper level of self love. And looking at it as more of a corrective pattern, it doesn’t mean that there’s not pain in it or that the relationships that we get into are gonna be perfect or. You know that there’s this perfect, happy ending or that you tie it with a bow. It’s more like, how does this experience allow me to grow?

And am I in my expansion? And that’s something that I try to ask myself. A lot, which is are we constricting or are we expanding? And as long as we’re expanding, then I think we’re growing. And that we continue to come of age at all these different stages of our life and that we can, create new, beautiful patterns.

And not that we don’t have to live in the same patterns of our past or. Of our parents past and in, recreating these incredible, new patterns then like we allow our children to do the same and create their journeys,

[00:36:46] Hunter: yeah. We create a permission in some ways, like through our modeling, in the same way, like circling back to Elon punky, Brewster, creating this permission for people like me out in the world to be whoever they wanted to be and to be right.

Not like maybe conform to the mold totally. In this sort of creating permission. Now thinking about this idea of modeling and creating permission, think about this, that idea of That worthiness that we may not have felt as a teen. Like I’m with you there. As far as the idea of at this point in my life, I’ve more I love and accept myself completely.

Like I’m completely okay with, and not everybody can, that’s incredible, but like how, with that piece about that, how do you get to pass that? How do. Try anyway, to pass that on to your kids, are we, we able

[00:37:47] Soleil Moon-Frye: to do that, it’s know such a great, it’s such a great, it’s such a great question.

And there’s moments where I feel like I’m doing incredible. And then I had an experience recently where I was like, I’m so strong. And then I was like, oh my God. Is what I’m doing right now, teaching them that I’m not strong because I know that I’ve got this strength and I wanna be like a hero to them.

And at the same time, I’m human. Yeah. And so I think that. It’s so much of it and something that I’m learning day by day is listening to them and trying to look at our experiences with empathy and that maybe they might not understand today. Exactly what’s going on, but maybe when they fall in love for that first, second, third time or four times something sticks with them, and as long as we’re hearing each other, And we continue to, I think, at least this is what I’m telling myself when I mess up and just kidding, but as long as I can explain my own humility, humanity and the fact that I’m just doing my best, then maybe it.

Set me, I think so often we look at our parents as like these superheroes that can do no wrong. So then it’s like, when they’re up on this pedestal and then they fall, it’s oh my God, but you’re just human. You know what I mean? So the more that I can try to be empathetic and also explain that I’m going to make mistakes, but I’m certainly gonna try my best then hopefully they.

Understand, more and I think they understand more than I do so much of the time,

[00:39:38] Hunter: yeah. They’re pretty incredible generation. I think yeah, absolutely. This has been awesome. Sole I so appreciate talking to you. Like I said, it’s like such a fascinating experience for me to draw this like circle in my life and talk to you in this way.

It’s so fascinating to see that, that sort of reflection and echo of experience throughout the years. And yeah, I really appreciate you taking the time to oh, amazing. Do the documentary to do the work like that’s. So I appreciate the bravery of that and I’m glad. And I appreciate the work for the vaccine.

I think that’s

[00:40:22] Soleil Moon-Frye: awesome way to go, so well, thank you. And the one thing I would just add to what we were just talking about around our kids is something that I’ve realized recently is just how important communication is. . I think that sometimes we underestimate just how. Much we wanna hear each other and that’s something I’m really working on because, I think it’s so easy to get caught up in our lives and it’s yeah.

Okay. What’s going on? Oh, cool. And just to be heard, because I think in hearing each other than we see each other and we can have a better understanding. And then that allows the space for us to. To make mistakes or to learn from our rollers of emotions. I think taking the time though, to hear each other and communicate is really, to me what I’m learning.

I think the most important thing in those relationships,

[00:41:23] Hunter: yeah. Makes sense. I love that. I love that you’re underlining listening at the very end. Cause what,

[00:41:31] Soleil Moon-Frye: by the way, And because they’ve told me so many times I, we just want you to listen. We just want you. And finally it’s oh, they want you to really listen and just hear them, and I’m really trying to do that more and also to listen to my own voice, because I think that my, my best friend, since I was two years old, said something recently, that was so profound where she said, I just wanna hear my voice again. I think so often in life, it’s like the noise gets so loud and it’s so easy to get so distracted.

So just to take that moment to be in the now and center ourselves and try to rediscover that inner voice and that inner knowing.

[00:42:14] Hunter: Absolutely. And that can only make us better people more present all of that for our kids too. For sure. Thank you so so much. I really appreciate this. Thank you so much.

[00:42:25] Soleil Moon-Frye: It was so nice chatting with you.


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